I show Van Helsing a thing or two...

Mad fat bat killer.

Published on May 19, 2004 By Unfairman In Humor

First of all, i'm gonna complain how much "Van Helsing" sucked. Please, people, don't give these morons your money. Yeah, Hugh Jackman is ripped, yada yada, Kate Beckinsale is hot...but...that's about it. Characters? 2 dimensional, at best. Jackman, an otherwise promising actor, delievered his lines like 4 day old coffee, not that he had much to work with. Beckinsale still has to prove herself, I think, and a crappy Transylvanian accent isn't the way to do it.
The movie totally contradicted all the great stories/monsters in literature. Hyde was not killed by Van Helsing, and Frankestein wasn't used by Dracula. Who comes up with this shit? Seriously. Way to ruin a great concept guys. Left hand of God my ass.

Anyway, I got mad Van Helsing skills. The other day, as I was coming out of the backroom, a bat nearly killed four customers and a Timberdays Queen candidate. Matt was trying to whack it with a broom: folly. You can't hit bats with brooms. You hit balls with bats. Duh. So, Eens came out with a couple of burlap sacks. Matt was chasing it all around the bakery, trying to knock it down, when I came up with yet another of my brilliant ideas. Bat is inside. We don't want bat inside. What's the best way to get an inside thing outside? Bum ba da dum! The door!

Seeing I didn't really want to hurt the bat (after all, he just came into the wrong place at the wrong time, and he was probably scared as all hell) I chased him toward the door with my burlap sack. So he flew into the entryway, and flapped around there for a while and scared some customers, then decided it would be in his best interest to fly outside. Smart guy, that bat.

Jesse was convinced that the bat was really the pizza hawk in disguise. The pizza hawk is that entity that steals the pizza you cooked on break when you can't finish it all. The pizza hawk doesn't care if you want to eat it later, on maybe your second break. He just swoops down and eats it. Sometimes, if you spray the pizza with Crisco spray and put salt on it, Rex eats it instead.

Just so you know.

Comments

Suspeckted

on May 19, 2004

(after all, he just came into the wrong place at the wrong time, and he was probably scared as all hell)

Typical bleeding heart liberal response to the situation. All in all, good show mate, I was nearly attacked by squirrels am few weeks ago after I exited my parents garage. One was about an inch from my foot when I feared for my life and screamed like a 2nd grade boy....that's right, they scream much worse than little girls.

The SuspeckT

KarmaGirl

on May 19, 2004

Hehe...wusses....scared of bats and squirrels...next you're going to tell me that bees and spiders scare you, too.

Unfairman

on May 19, 2004

I never said >I< was scared of the bat. I showed that bug eater a thing or two, mind ya.

My dog was chasing a chipmunk the other day, and the chip turned around and ran full blast into the wheel of our barbeque. My dog still couldn't catch it, though, even if it was stunned for about 2 seconds. He's not what he used to be.

dharmagrl

on May 19, 2004

screamed like a 2nd grade boy....that's right, they scream much worse than little girls.

Yes, they do.

I'm not too fond of bats either. We used to live behind a 14th century church in England, and the resident bats would come out of the tower ar dusk in the summer and swoop around catching the bugs. Unfortunately they'd swoop close to human heads in their quest for food, causing much squealing and almost mass-hysteria amongst my relatives and neighbors who were certain the bats would get caught up in their hair. I never saw it happen, mind you, but there was always the threat of it.

Sally jacobs

on May 20, 2004

I have a fear of things that flap, birds, butterflies, bats, anything that does that flapping motion, and I'm out of there, cringing just thinking about it! I'm more worried about them doing other things in my hair, hmmm!

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